The Pain of Regret
by AnnCarter
Summary: Is the worst pain of all. Rush is back on Destiny, after his revenge. Now he has to face his pain and regret. Sort of a missing scene after 2x08 "Malice".


_All rights for Stargate are MGM's. I own nothing._

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He stumbled into his quarters and quickly locked the door behind him. Exhaustion was slowly taking over his body, filling him entirely. He did it. Simeon was dead. His only regret was that he hadn't managed to make his suffering longer.

He could feel the cut on his forehead beginning to bleed again, but he couldn't care less. Despite Young's orders, he refused to let Lieutenant Johansen look at his wounds. Every muscle in his body was sore, but he wasn't surprised. After the fight with Young, the manhunt and the long walk back to the Stargate, he would've been surprised if his body didn't hurt. Besides, the physical pain was a welcome break from the emotional pain, much like the anger he clung onto ever since he found Mandy.

It only took the proximity of his bed before he collapsed on top of it. It was less than a heartbeat before he started crying again, his body shaking as he sobbed, letting the tears wash the dust from his face.

It was his fault. All of it. He knew it. No matter what Lieutenant Scott said, no matter what any of them said, he knew it was his fault. If he hadn't insisted on keeping it a secret from everyone else on the ship, they wouldn't have needed to bring her onboard. If that hadn't happened, she might've still been alive, back home, out of reach but safe and sound.

There it was, again. His obsession with the Ancients costed him the one person he didn't think he could ever lose over it. She was supposed to be away from all of this. She was supposed to be safe. Whatever happens to him out there, in that Ancient ship, billions of lightyears away from home, she was supposed to stay safe. She was supposed to be the one person he wouldn't lose over this.

And now she was gone, and all because of him.

If only he hadn't brought her onboard. If only he told them about cracking the Destiny's code. If only he hadn't left her alone when Young called him. If only he'd stayed by her side, or better yet, kept her by his.

 _If only you hadn't put the mystery first._

He wanted to blame Young for it. He was the one who called him to the Bridge for nothing, and in the short time he was gone, she was murdered. Or Eli, who figured it all out while he and Young were stuck on that alien ship. Or the soldiers, who didn't guard Simeon like they should've. Anyone but him.

But he knew it was his fault, and it broke his heart. And despite his insistence on revenge, he knew that it didn't make the emptiness in him any smaller.

"It wasn't your fault, Nick," Mandy's voice said softly behind him, and hearing her real voice, the voice of the woman he knew on Earth, he knew it wasn't real. "You didn't do it. You couldn't have known it would happen. It's not your fault."

"It is," He managed in a choked sob. "If I did the right thing, if I told them the truth about it… you wouldn't have even been here. I told them I needed an expert in Ancient drives, but you know it wasn't necessary to change Destiny's direction from the Bridge. You didn't have to be there. You didn't have to die."

"You made mistakes. It makes you human." Her voice was soft and filled with compassion, much like real Mandy's voice was back when he agonised over Gloria's death. "All you've done is a mistake."

"A mistake that cost _your_ life!" He burst, nearly rolling over in his bed to face her. He stopped himself in the last second, though; seeing her would've made it too impossible to exist, even in his head. She'd be gone. And he couldn't let her, not just yet. Curling at the edge of the bed, he whispered, "You were the only person I…"

He let it trail off as his sobs once again took over him, stopping him from speaking. It didn't matter. She was in his head; she knew what he wanted to say. She knew how he felt.

After a while, he regained enough control to talk again. The tears were still running down his cheeks, and he was still shaking, but slowly, in a choked voice, he could just about say what he'd been waiting to say for weeks.

"I never even told you I felt the same way," He whispered, staring ahead. Everything was blurry, but he could just about make the edges of the furniture in his room. "I never told you that I knew I felt that way, even before Destiny. I couldn't, not for a long time, because Gloria was gone, and I didn't want to feel it… but I _did_ feel it. Even when you thought I didn't notice. I did. After Gloria died… you were all I had left, Mandy. You were everything."

"Your work was everything," She corrected softly.

He shook his head. "My work was everything, but so were you. I needed to make this work. If it didn't work, Gloria's death would've…" He started sobbing again, still shaking his head. "After she was gone, I thought I'd never feel anything again. I didn't want to feel anything. You're the only person I dared to… And now because of me…"

"Nick." He could practically feel her stroking his cheek, like she did the last time she visited Destiny, when he told her about his experiences with the chair. He knew it was impossible, but in that moment, he didn't care. He needed it. He needed _her_. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

"Of course it's my fault." He took a shaky breath. "And I never even told you how much I loved you," He added in a choked whisper, the pain flooding him once again, threatening to take over and submerge him entirely. He didn't even care.

"I know you did. I always knew." He blinked the tears away, just enough to see her face in front of his. She was looking at him, softness and love filling her eyes.

He shook his head. "You're only saying that because you're in my head."

She smiled, the brilliant smile he loved so much. "Maybe. But you didn't need to say it. I knew it. I told you I did." Once again, she reached out and gently stroked his cheek, stroking his hair back over it. "What happened wasn't your fault, Nick. I want you to remember that. And I want you to remember that I love you. I believe in you. I know you can complete Destiny's mission. If anyone can, it's you."

The faith in her eyes was so clear that his sight was immediately blurred by tears and the sobs once again took over his body. He knew it wasn't real, but he knew if she was there, that's exactly what Amanda would've said to him. That was just what she said to him after Gloria died and he was left a broken mess, his heart, he thought, buried next to the woman he loved.

"Don't give up, Nick," She added, her voice soft and quiet. "For Gloria. For me. Don't give up, okay?"

For a long moment, he remained silent. Now that his anger was gone, he felt broken. Broken enough to want to give up. He thought about it as he walked back to the Stargate after shooting Simeon, and he thought about it once he was back in his quarters. He even thought about it as they searched for Simeon, deep down wondering whether he wanted to kill the man – or the man to kill him. Or both.

But he knew that Mandy would have wanted him to continue. She would've envied him for being able to do it, to go out there himself and explore, and she would've encouraged him to solve the mystery. Just like she did after Gloria died. He knew that she may not be there, but that's what she would've said if she was.

So he nodded. "Okay," He managed in a choked whisper.

"I'm proud of you," She whispered, and even without looking, he knew she was gone. Slowly, he rolled onto his back and wiped his tears with the edge of his dusty sleeve. He wasn't sure how he'd face the next day, not now, not with her gone, but he knew he'd have to. For Mandy and for Gloria. They believed in him. That was the only way to make their deaths mean something.

He took a breath, as deep as he could, and rolled onto his side, closing his eyes. It could all be dealt with later. Right now, all he wanted was to grieve. Tomorrow, he'll find a way to carry on. For Gloria and Mandy.


End file.
